Booksellers are well aware that as the year winds down, their busy season is just beginning. From the end of Thanksgiving—really, the beginning of November—until closing time on Christmas Eve, every bookstore in the country will be bustling, despite the extra staff that most hire to make the holidays run smoothly. Like all commerce, bookstores rely not only on the training of their workers to make the the day go smoothly, but also the behavior of those who enter the store. Most are already aware of the cardinal sins of book-shopping—don’t leave a dirty diaper in the children’s section, for example, or, equally egregious, don’t leave a gun in the bathroom (having to unbuckle it to take a crap is not a good enough excuse for leaving it there, Mr. Off-Duty Officer), just to bring up some actual stories that occurred in my beloved old workplace.
However, the ordinary etiquette of shopping doesn’t quite cut it during the capitalist extravaganza that is the Christmas shopping season. For three years (a lifetime in retail years), I worked the holidays, including the bookstore’s Christmas Day shift, staffed by volunteers, and accompanied by at first a turkey dinner, and then thankfully, a switch to Chinese food. I miss the energy and pace of working the holidays, the camaraderie that got us through the busiest of shifts, and the ever-amusing task of helping people find just the right present for their loved ones. What I do not miss, however, are the customer faux-pas. As a former bookseller, I decided to put together some shopping tips to help the holidays go smoothly, for everyone in the store. Alas, while the tips are evergreen, my knowledge of it-items for children is now officially outdated, so substitute whatever this year’s must-have toy is whenever I mention fidget-spinners.
1. Don’t ask why someone is working on Christmas. If a bookseller is working on Christmas, it’s because they have chosen to. Frequently, they don’t even celebrate the holiday. And they’re only in there because you’re the motherfucker who’s in a bookstore on Christmas. You want to see a bunch of booksellers bummed because they’re working their favorite holiday? Go shopping on Halloween.
2. Do look up both the name and title of whatever book you would like to purchase before you arrive at the bookstore. Or at least, be able to describe the plot in an entertaining way that provides us with some keywords.
3. Not sure if the store has what you are looking for? Do consider calling ahead, and asking if the store has it. That way, when you arrive at the store, seeking your ever-popular item, you will already know if the item is in stock.
4. Do not ask if there are additional items in the back. If you are in a bookstore seeking a popular title or gift item in the holiday season, and you do not see it in the store proper, then the bookstore does not have it. They are not hiding extra items just for you. Get over yourself. You are not special, and neither is your niece, and neither is that fidget-spinner you decided to buy for her instead of finding out what she actually likes so you’re not screwed when you find out the bookstore is out of fidget spinners.
5. Do ask if there is a Chanukah display. If the store does not have one, they should be made to feel ashamed (but only if this question is asked when Chanukah is actually ongoing—it would make you look pretty dumb to ask about a Chanukah display when Chanukah is already over….) Also, you should ask about a Kwanzaa display too, but prepare to be disappointed. There are very few children’s books in print featuring Kwanzaa prominently.
6. Do not waste a bookseller’s precious time on recommendations, only to declare that you will purchase these items elsewhere. Especially, do not mention the big A. We all know what you mean by “elsewhere,” you don’t have to say where.
7. Do not pick up a number of small items, then decide not to purchase them, then stash them behind other, larger objects. Do not do this at any time, at any store, but especially do not do this in a bookstore in the lead up to the holidays.
8. Do not ask a bookseller if they are getting paid enough to deal with the (presumably other) annoying customers. You do not want to know the answer.
9. Do not miss-shelve things in hilarious ways to fuck with booksellers. It may be very funny to stash a bunch of vampire novels in biology, or a bunch of inspirational fiction in conservative politics….But don’t do it around Christmas-time. Why? Booksellers need to find things. And things that are misshelved are harder to find.
10. Do not ask if you can take the shrink wrap off of the big book of 3D butts. Nor the little book of big boobs. Nor the Kim Kardashian selfie book. We know you are not looking at that book to see if it is “the right gift for a friend.”
11. Do not attempt to return every present you received from the store without a receipt, then look offended when you only get store credit. Most bookstore inventory is gift items at this point anyway, don’t pretend that you won’t benefit from a new pair of novelty socks.
12. Do decide purchases based on staff selections, especially when it comes to children’s fiction. You will not find more informed readers of children’s literature than at a bookstore.
13. Do not come in five minutes before closing time with a list of 12 books that you need to get immediately before you head off to your family reunion. Just don’t.
14. If you don’t know the name of a book, but do remember the name and date of the SPECIFIC NPR program you heard it mentioned on, give the bookseller all relevant information. For example, “I heard Terri Gross interview the author last week.” Not, “I think I heard something about it on NPR.” That could refer to literally any book, since NPR, and for that matter the New Yorker and the New York Times, are just the unofficial auxiliary wing of the publishing industry anyway.
15. Do come in on Christmas. If a business is open on Christmas Day, that means it’s there to welcome all and sundry. So get your shopping done early, but please, feel free to spend the holiday itself in the coziest place on earth—a bookstore.
