The holidays are lurking around the corner—and so are porch pirates, gleefully awaiting their opportunity to steal your gifts. These are stories of brazen porch piracy are true, but names have been changed.
THE POLICE OFFICER’S WIFE
Wanda, a police officer’s wife, was at home around 11 one evening, when a shadow passed directly in front of her living room window. Someone was in the yard! Heart pounding, she raced to her baby’s bedroom. Trembling, she pulled up the view of the security camera and watched in shock as a thief took two boxes off her front porch and carried them to the car waiting in the street.
After the thief drove away, Wanda posted the video to Facebook. Several of her friends identified the stranger—another policeman’s wife, who lived just a couple streets away. The second woman, already on probation for shoplifting, confessed to the crime.
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY
One Monday morning, Rick, a FedEx driver, brought a small package to a porch in his town. Since a signature was required, he set down the package and knocked on the door. As Rick waited, a man wearing a hoodie and a mask leaped onto the porch, grabbed the package right in front of Rick, and ran off. Rick watched in disbelief.
By the time the resident came to the door, the thief had hopped into a car and driven away. The car had no license plates, clearly indicating this was premeditated. The whole thing was caught on the doorbell camera. It took only three seconds from the time Rick set down the package until the thief picked it up. Three seconds!
AMAZON’S MOST UNUSUAL “RETURN”
Ellie was expecting a package from Amazon with items she needed to fulfill orders for her new Etsy business. At the end of the day, when the package still hadn’t arrived, she logged in to her account and saw a delivery notification complete with a picture of the package on Ellie’s front porch.
But it wasn’t there.
She pulled up footage from her doorbell camera. As she watched, the contracted delivery driver put the package at her front door, took a picture of it, then immediately picked it back up and jogged away. The driver kept it for himself!
ALL IN THE FAMILY
When an expected package didn’t arrive, Marty checked her security camera. First, she saw the silhouette of an adult walking slowly along the sidewalk, looking at each porch as he passed. What happened next shocked her. The stranger went to a car and returned with a child who looked to be about four years old, dressed in pajamas. The child ran up onto the porch alone, paused, then took a couple steps back toward the adult. After getting instructions, the pirate’s apprentice grabbed the package and bounced happily away. If it hadn’t been theft, it would’ve been adorable.
THEY STOLE HER FATHER
After her father died, Lydia asked the crematorium to ship his ashes to her. The day she expected them to arrive came and went, no ashes. But a neighbor had seen a postal worker deliver a package to her house. A thief had stolen her father’s ashes! She was convinced she’d never see them again.
Four months later, a woman was walking her dog when she found a box with an urn inside. She brought it to the post office, and a postal inspector returned Lydia’s father’s ashes to her.
THE COMPETITION IS GETTING FIERCE
In one small Pennsylvania town, population about 6,000, a security camera caught an unbelievable scene: A FedEx driver left a package on a homeowner’s front porch, snapped a picture, and strolled away. Five seconds later, two men—one in a mask—raced across the lawn toward the package. As the masked man reached for the package, the second man grabbed his arm. He wasn’t heroically trying to stop the theft; he wanted the package for himself. The two would-be pirates wrestled for a moment, and the masked man prevailed. Two cars sped off past the FedEx van and out of view.
FIGHTING BACK
Porch piracy has become so commonplace that it’s tempting to throw up our hands and accept it as a cost of modern society, but not everyone is so complacent.
After being robbed multiple times, one man planted boxes on his porch that made loud bangs when they were picked up, then watched in amusement as terrified porch pirates ran away. A mechanical engineer went a step further by creating a glitter-fart bomb package with four integrated cameras to capture the moment in all its glory, racking up over 15 million views on YouTube. Two parents took a simpler approach by putting their baby’s dirty diapers into a package—inside out, for maximum grossness.
Some police departments across the country worked with Amazon on sting operations to catch porch pirates. Amazon reportedly provided an item that was valuable enough to hit the felony threshold if it was stolen, and the police put a GPS tracking device inside the package.
Operation Safe Porch was six years ago, so clearly these methods haven’t solved the problem. Porch pirates continue to menace the sidewalk seas.
JUSTICE IS SERVED
As a crime writer, I have the ultimate power. In The Knife Before Christmas, the latest Fixer-Upper Mystery, I bring a group of porch pirates to the most satisfying—and surprising—justice. I think my readers who have been victimized will enjoy the vicarious thrill as they read my latest book. And I’m confident that their story will surprise you.
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