Imagine being in your own locked room scenario, surrounded by thriller authors. Considering the search histories on their computers, all these people know not only how to kill, but also how to get away with it, hide the body, and set someone else up to take the fall. So, how bad would it be if someone around you—a peer, no less—ended up dead?
In I Didn’t Do It, that’s exactly what happens. Murderpalooza, the annual thriller conference, is taking place in New York City when the darling of the industry, Kristin Bailey, is found by housekeeping stabbed to death in her hotel room. Then, four authors of varying successes—a midlister, an egomaniac, a has-been, and a newbie—are targeted by an anonymous social media account. This person in the shadows knows all the secrets they have connected to Kristin and starts airing them out publicly. At first, the core four band together and use their thriller wiles to try to survive, but with each reveal, they become more suspicious of each other. Did one of them do it, and will any of them survive? You’ll have to read to find out!
Now, here are a few tips to make sure you survive a thriller conference unscathed:
(1) Be the best at your topic. Sure, almost all thrillers have murder, but make sure your murder is the best murder in all the books. Always level up from the last hot thing. Did you read a book where the killer used a bat as the murder weapon? Enter barbwire bat as your murder weapon, à la Negan from The Walking Dead. Did the killer use rat poison? Make yours use hemlock that the victim mistakes for carrots (of course, the killer knew they would). Did the killer stab someone with a kitchen knife? Make yours use a machete. Go big or go home. The point is—when your peers read your material and decide they’re afraid of you, you’re probably safe. Better to be scary than dead.
(2) Don’t have secrets. I know, everyone has secrets, but do you have any that could ruin your career in thriller writing? Get ahead of them or get out of thriller writing. Chances are, because this always happens in the book, someone’s going to die and if you have a secret connected to the dead person, well, good luck. Murphy’s law says if you’re having an affair with a peer’s spouse, you’ll be next. If you had a critique partner and you mmmaaaayyybbbbeee stole some of their book, prepare to die. If you have a secret Instagram account that you’re using to bash other authors, watch out. See the pattern? Just be upfront from the beginning and confess your sins because someone always finds out what you’re hiding, and revenge is one of the best reasons for murder. Ask the experts, they write about it all the time.
(3) Don’t get assigned to the “good” panel. Look, everyone wants to be on at 10 a.m. with the splashy topic that is moderated by a five-time New York Times bestseller with four of the industry’s favorite authors at the table. If you get assigned to that panel without those accolades, chances are, someone will think you’re a poseur, or they’re more deserving, and you’ll end up in a pool of blood on the floor of your room discovered by housekeeping.
(4) Don’t be overeager. Yes, we all get starstruck seeing other authors at conventions. We have our favorites too! It’s amazing meeting someone whose work had such a profound impact on you. And when the day is done, most go to the bar for some liquid relief, even if it’s just water. Cliques form. Groups break off. Someone’s agent and/or editor is in town, and they have to work. It’s still a business networking event, so don’t be the “OMG IT’S YOUUUUU” person and butt into their conversations, shove yourself into their photos, and constantly ask for selfies to post on social media. You do that too often, and you might end up dead. Remember, as stated in the beginning, these people all know how to kill and get away with it. Describing that is literally their job. Annoy too many people and one of them will off you in solidarity with the others. There’s a secret handshake.
And finally…
(5) Don’t go to the lobby bar. Okay, it’s the hub of the conference and where everyone will be when the day is over. There might be too many people there, though. How do you know if the drink someone bought you is safe? You don’t. What if you get pinpricked with poison and you can’t identify who did it because there are throngs of people around? What if you make a great new author friend, but that person is secretly jealous of you and wants you out of the picture? These things could happen when judgment is wine-blurred. It’s best to just go back to your hotel room alone and read. About murder.
In all seriousness, thriller conferences are a ton of fun and extremely educational. If you have the chance to go to one, take it and don’t look back. You could do all the things listed above and I’m pretty sure you won’t end up murdered.
Pretty sure…
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