Look, romance isn’t easy, especially in a world where you can’t let yourself get attached to anything you’re not willing to walk out on in thirty seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner. But that doesn’t mean you don’t put yourself out there, boats against the current, returning again and again to the same diners drinking the same lousy coffee looking for that spark when someone sits down on the stool next to you, asks for the cream, takes out a folded- snapshot they’ve been carrying around for years and the snapshot is their soul. But how do you find the right person, the right words, the right sharkskin suit?
Every now and again you need outside counsel, a sounding board, a rabbi of love. You need Michael Mann. Here then is everything you need to know about flirting, courtship, and the early days of romance, according to Mann’s films. This is part one, I presume. We’re not even touching yet on Blackhat or The Last of the Mohicans.
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FLIRTING FOR BEGINNERS
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Whether you’re interested in meeting somebody new or looking for a spot to get better acquainted, there’s no date better than a diner date. The lighting is strong, the service is conspicuous, and whenever you’re at a loss for an icebreaker or a new topic of conversation you can ask the other person to pass the cream.
Forget opening lines. What you want to do is clearly state your name and extend your hand to be shaken. If the other person doesn’t immediately accept this invitation to speak, great. That moment—when your poised, bare hand is hanging in the air unrequited—contains enough sexual tension to light downtown L.A.
Be careful, though, about expressing interest in what another person is reading. That’s a huge red flag.
Ask a lot of questions. Never break eye contact.
Seriously, ask a lot of questions. As quickly and dispassionately as you can manage, like you’re interviewing your date for a job and the job is being the one person in the whole world who really sees you.
While answering any questions yourself, pause briefly before each answer, like you’re not sure you should be having this conversation. You want to appear halting, even a little confused, before disclosing any information whatsoever about you, your interests, or what part of the country your people come from.
Seriously, lady, why are you so interested in what I read and what I do?!?!
Keep asking your date about their family, especially if they seem slightly reluctant to talk about it.
Encourage candor by rattling off facts about your own family and who is dead and not dead among them.
Worried about how to initiate the first kiss? If you know any stories about iridescent algae, now is the time.
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INTERMEDIATE FLIRTING
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If you’re incredibly late for a first date, do not, under any circumstances, apologize, or even acknowledge the faux pas. If anything, push ahead more aggressively like the world owes you one. You want your date to be on roughly the same footing as a diner server who fails to recognize the oldness of the table cream.
Don’t bother with small talk, games, or getting to know the other person with whom you’re interested in having a relationship. These are the so-called “mini-moves” that anyone who has sucked deep from the marrow of life knows must be avoided at all costs. What you want—what both of you want, certainly, and there’s no need to confirm this, you can just presume it’s true for both of you—is TO GET ON WITH THIS BIG ROMANCE!
Talk about your exes. Go on, talk about them, don’t be shy. Even the stuff that happened in Bogotá.
If you have a social security card, make explicit, emphatic reference to that fact in conversation.
If you have a story about getting turned out by fellow inmates at Joliet Correctional, wait a little while to tell them about it. Not too long. Five or six minutes of conversation, tops, and then let it out in vivid detail. This is the kind of interesting anecdote that tells a prospective partner you’re a person of substance, but also spontaneous!
Ideally, the conclusion to your follow-up anecdote about a fatal run-in with a prison gang will transition nicely into you showing your date a homemade collage. The collage should include pictorial representations of every aspect of your life and dreams, where your date fits into those dreams, and also your friend, Willie Nelson. Those are the absolutely essential elements of the collage, the rest is up to you!
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ADVANCED FLIRTING
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If you want a new acquaintance to know you’re interested, address that person as formally as possible, using “ma’am” or “sir” wherever the opportunity arises. Under absolutely no circumstances should you use contractions. Flirting is all about enunciation.
Choose an interesting location for your first date. Like Cuba.
If the other person asks where you would like to go on the date, don’t be put off by their indecision. Take it as an opportunity to surprise them and yourself! If there’s a boat available nearby, use that boat to go to the aforementioned Cuba. The boat ride will take about five hours. The wind and choppy water will be excruciating and will make conversation all but impossible, so it will give you and your date a chance to get acquainted. Not by talking—again, at that speed, in those waters, talking is off the table—but you will be able to exchange meaningful looks. It’s all about body language! And also collages, if you brought yours along.
Dress like you’re going to Havana even if you’re not. That way, you keep your options open!
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DANCING – AKA POST-GRADUATE FLIRTING
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Dance like nobody—and everybody—is watching.
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There it is, folks. Everything you need to know about falling in love in this fallen world. Use this knowledge wisely.
