I’m on an airplane right now, about to go on vacation. Well, actually, I assume by the time this article is published, I’ll either be on or have returned from vacation. But at the time of the composition of this piece, I am on board an aircraft, 34,997 feet in the air. I’ve worked a full day, really, up to the last moment before my vacation begins. Soon, I’m going to fold up my laptop, sling on my neck pillow, and watch a movie on the tiny screen embedded in the seatback in front of me.
But before I do that, I wanted to muse a little bit about the in-flight entertainment options available to me onboard this plane. A great many of the films in the menu are crime films… but they are such a motley assortment of crime films (in terms of year, subgenre, quality) that they all will probably never again appear in a catalog together, so I felt compelled to document their juxtaposition, now.
So, come fly with me.
I love an airplane movie. What is an airplane movie, exactly? I don’t know how to describe it, but I know it when I see one. There are also two main categories: rewatches and first watches. If you’ve seen it before, it’s a nostalgic or comforting thing that will help you pass the time. If you haven’t seen it before, it’s a relatively new release you missed in theaters but have been wanting to watch.
I didn’t separate the movies on this list according to any criteria… just if it feels right to watch it on an airplane. This is a list organized by vibes.
Here they are, the in-flight crime movie options on this airplane, ranked.
20. Ocean’s 8 (2018)
No one should watch Ocean’s 8, under any circumstances. I don’t care if you’re stuck on 23-hour flight and there’s only one movie available. Chat up your neighbors instead. Ask the flight attendants if they need any help with the drink service.
19. Appaloosa (2008)
In this definitely-okay Western from the aughts, Viggo Mortensen and Ed Harris play two gunmen tracking an escaped murderer who stumble into a down-and-out Western town presided over by a local tyrant and decide to help everybody get out from under his thumb. I guarantee you no one has ever watched this movie on an airplane.
18. Joker (2019)
Nestled in-between Invictus and Journey 2: The Mysterious Island is Todd Phillip’s Joker. You should be suspicious of anyone who decides to watch Joker over the several Christopher Nolan movies on this menu.
17. Mr. Holmes (2015)
I don’t quite get the point of Mr. Holmes, an aggressively maudlin bit of Sherlock Holmes fan fiction stripped of all the other characters and, really, a sense of mystery. Watch this one when they turn the lights down and you’re tossing and turning in your slightly-reclined chair but can’t seem to find the spark of sleep.
16. Sphere (1998)
I have never even heard of this movie, a Barry Levinson sci-fi thriller starring Dustin Hoffman, Sharon Stone, and Samuel L. Jackson, that seems to be a rip-off of The Abyss? Maybe? It’s going here because I can’t vouch for it one way or the other.
15. Tenet (2020)
I don’t personally think that Tenet, a spectacular, large-scale, nearly incomprehensible time origami-ing thriller is going to make more sense on a screen the size of etch-a-sketch but you’re welcome to give it a try!
14. Papillon (1973)
What!? What is Papillon doing here!? Yes, I’m talking about the Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman movie about two prisoners (one wrongly convicted of murder) who become friends and attempt an escape from a prison in French Guiana. I would never in a million years think of watching Papillon on a plane. But it’s not the worst idea? If you’re on the plane and you see someone watching Papillon, they’re going to be the most interesting person on that flight.
13. Batman Returns (1992)
Batman Returns! My favorite of the two Michael Keaton Batmans is available to watch on this airplane. Why not also the first? Who wants to watch a sequel to something without at least having the option to do a marathon? But maybe this is a lot to ask from a streaming menu that includes only the first and last Harry Potter movies.
12. Analyze This (1999)
The 90s were all about mafiosos in therapy! Harold Ramis’s endearing comedy features Robert De Niro as New York mob boss Paul Vitti, who starts having panic attacks and so seeks the (terrified and unwilling) assistance of a psychiatrist played by Billy Crystal. Airplanes are places to watch movies that you haven’t thought about in a long time, so it makes sense that Analyze This is on here.
11. The Client (1992)
I’m going to be honest with you… I have never even heard of this movie. But a 1992 Joel Schumacher legal drama with Tommy Lee Jones and Susan Sarandon about an eleven-year-old boy who Knows Too Much about a crime? Thank GOD for random entertainment licensing packages, or I might never know about movies like this.
10. After The Sunset (2004)
In this zesty caper, Pierce Brosnan (fresh off Die Another Day) is master thief Max who retires to an island with his spoils and Salma Hayak and then somehow gets really, really bored in paradise—so bored that when the FBI agent who was obsessed with capturing him (Woody Harrelson) turns up to try to catch him, again, Max decides to set up a cat-and-mouse thing to Keep the Magic Alive. Does this sound like a bad idea to you? God forbid a man has hobbies! Or a friend! Once the clock hits the 4:00 am mark or so… I’m probably going to watch it. Also, this movie is on this list along with Before Sunset and I think it would be very funny to do them as a double-feature.
9. Murder By Numbers (2002)
This is precisely the sort of movie I hope to be available on an in-flight roster: an early-career Sandra Bullock movie, picked as if by grab bag. The last flight I was on, I watched The Net. The one before that, Speed. When I was a child, on a flight back from Venice, I watched Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous twice. Though that might have been an option because it was a fairly recent release at the time. No matter. If I can’t watch Two Weeks Notice or something on a plane, is it even worth flying? Also, a young Ryan Gosling plays a smug teenage murderer in this movie. I will be watching this immediately.
8. The Batman (2022)
Matt Reeves’s The Batman is three hours long, making it a decent plane movie simply for the volume of time it crunches for you. It’s also just a very good movie… and it’s about voyeurism, which is a fun theme since you’re probably also occasionally looking around to see what stuff everyone else around you is watching. And when they sneak a peek at your screen, they’ll see you’re watching The Batman and think you’re cool.
7. The Departed (2006)
A plane is the perfect setting to rewatch The Departed. I said “rewatch.” I hope no one watching The Departed on a plane (not that anyone around me is… I can only make out one viewing of a Big Bang Theory episode and one viewing of Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus) is watching it for the first time. Do Marty a solid and make Screening #1 happen on a nice-sized TV. But after that, turn it on a plane like it’s your comfort movie.
6. The Informant! (2009)
I just said this a few spots up, but I’m happy to reiterate: in the age of streaming (which has seen the complete obliteration of cable TV’s roulette of syndication, as well as shelf-based discoveries in video rental stores and public library DVD collections), I really do think it’s partially thanks to random licensing packages that some movies aren’t totally forgotten about. I haven’t thought about the 2009 Steven Soderbergh movie The Informant! since 2009.
5. Nancy Drew (2007)
I think the last time I saw the Emma Roberts Nancy Drew movie, I was on a plane and it was 2008. Points for consistency. I don’t say this often, but this movie should have completely bypassed theaters and have been released direct-to-Boeing.
4. The Prestige (2006)
The young couple on a honeymoon next to me on this flight considered watching The Prestige, and I had hoped they would. She had seen it before and couldn’t believe he hadn’t. That’s one of the great joys about scrolling through airplane in-flight menus with your companions: being confronted by a bunch of random titles you’ve seen and hadn’t thought about recommending previously but wholly endorse. Also, everyone should watch The Prestige. This should be required in schools.
3. Saving Grace (2008)
I swear the first time I (or my mom) watched this movie was on a plane. Brenda Blethyn is an arthritic widow in desperate need of money. Craig Ferguson is her pothead gardener who hatches a scheme for the two of them to go into business. Relaxing, low-stakes, but positively weedy with quality, this is the platonic ideal of the airplane movie.
2. Trap (2024)
Look, I loved Trap, and I made a lot of people see it. But if I hadn’t seen it, I would have been so excited to have the chance to watch it on a plane. A low-pressure M. Night Shaymalan movie about a serial killer? A perfect airplane movie. Perfect. Trap should be syndicated for in-flight entertainment until the end of time.
1. Hit Man (2023)
I like Hit Man, Richard Linklater and Glenn Powell’s goofy comedy about a fake hitman and real consequences. This is precisely the kind of movie I think should be on an airplane: something recent that you might have missed, that your friends haven’t shut up about, and now you can see for yourself if they’re right. That’s kind of the point of an in-flight movie, is it not?
Note: Also, I’m totally right in putting this at #1, because after I finished this list, I took a little congratulatory stroll around the cabin and observed that, indeed, most people with TVs on are watching Hit Man. Or Pleasantville. But, as I stress often, this is a crime website.
Happy flying!
