I’m tired of hearing about good detectives. Sometimes, nothing is better… or FUNNIER… than a bad detective.
I don’t mean just a bumbling detective or a certain goofy deputy of the Mayberry Sheriff’s department. I mean detectives (police detectives and PIs alike) who are pretty incompetent. It’s important to say is that I’m not including terrible spies or secret agents. There are no Maxwell Smarts or Dick Steeles or Johnny Englishes. I like a streamlined list.
I’ve arranged them (roughly) from most competent to least competent, with the most least competent getting the number 1 slot. This is a list of the “best” “worst,” after all.
But it does get tricky, because sometimes, a detective who is incompetent at the start will turn out to save the day, or redeem himself in some way. So those guys are probably closer to the top.
All right, the end! I mean, let’s begin!
Danny Butterman, Hot Fuzz (2007)
Hot Fuzz is an incredibly charming movie that plays with a lot of the tropes of police procedurals and whodunits, alike. And one of the most important parts is Danny, a local detective who can’t really do anything. Well, until he steps up.
Terry Hoitz and Allen “Gator” Gamble, The Other Guys (2010)
Ugh, these guys. I don’t love this Adam McKay movie, but it’s right on the money, in terms of this list. Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell play two cops who have to prove themselves: Ferrell because he’s a nerd, and Wahlberg because he has previously shot Derek Jeter by accident. They will manage to save the day, so they’re going up here.
James Carter, Rush Hour (1998)
Chris Tucker’s LAPD Detective Carter is self-obsessed, a bit of a loose cannon, and quite loud. He does learn to work well with others throughout the course of the film, namely Jackie Chan’s Chief Inspector Lee. But it takes some time! A lot of time.
Gene Parmesan, Arrested Development (2003-2019)
“Gene was far from the best,” Arrested Development‘s narrator (Ron Howard), says of Gene Parmesan (Martin Mull), the Bluth family’s PI. He’s one in an amusing coterie of madcap Bluth factotums, like the lawyer Barry Zuckerkorn (Henry Winkler), or the lawyer Bob Loblaw (Scott Baio). He’s not so incompetent that he can’t get important information, so he’s going down here. He’s my favorite detective on this list, for his arriving to every meeting in an ostentatious disguise. It is… wonderful. As Lucille would say, “GENE!!!”
Harry Crumb, Who’s Harry Crumb? (1989)
Who is Harry Crumb? A PI played by John Candy in this very 80s comedy. I will watch John Candy in anything, but in this movie, he plays an inept PI, and that raises my interest significantly. Harry Crumb is a bad PI hired to find someone he’s supposed to never find… but he’s both a better and worse detective than others expect. Also, I find it very interesting that this movie and The Naked Gun came out virtually within a year of each other.
Inspector Gadget, Inspector Gadget (1983)
The point of the Inspector Gadget character is that he’s kind of a cyborg; he’s got lots of, well, gadgets that pop out of him to help him do stuff. But they don’t help! He’s incompetent. His human niece and dog are way more capable. Let Inspector Gadget go down in history as an early condemnation of AI: the robots will not save us!
Frank Drebin, The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)
You know, we don’t have a lot of The Naked Gun/Police Squad content on this side, and I intent to rectify that. Starting with this blurb on this list! Leslie Nielsen’s Frank Drebin can’t do anything, plus he’s cocky. He’s an excellent combination of film noir sensibilities, and goofy ham-handedness. “It’s a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don’t amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!”
Jacques Clouseau, The Pink Panther (1963), etc.
‘Zere we go! The OG idiot detective! Peter Sellers’s Inspector Clouseau. He needs no introduction… what he needs is help!
