Friends of mine have been telling me to watch Lucifer. Lucifer, that show where Lucifer gets tired of being in hell and decides to kick it on earth and learn about humanity, and winds up solving mysteries. That Lucifer.
I don’t really feel the urge to watch it, but I am intrigued at the prompt that, of all the things he could do with his time, the devil would find himself trying to solve baffling crimes. On a nondiegetic level, this show’s conceit exists the way it does because people love mysteries. But diegetically, the idea that this great, age-old villain would, in the right context, find himself becoming a detective… is intriguing to me. And funny.
So it got me thinking. What about other villains? What about, like, horror movie villains? Would they be good detectives? Would they rise to the occasion?
Let’s consider.
I’ve drawn up a ranked list of the most famous horror movie villains, in order of “how good a detective” they would be.
Obviously, this is unserious. Happy Halloween.
22. The Shark, Jaws, et al
The shark in Jaws might be a “smart fish,” but would be a generally ineffective crime scene investigator, I think. Right? He’s a fish?
21. The Xenomorph, Alien, et al
I just can’t imagine a context in which these skills would be useful?
20. Frankenstein’s Monster, Frankenstein, et al
“The Creature” in Mary Shelley’s novel is an eloquent, erudite, sensitive individual, modeled on Lucifer from Milton’s Paradise Lost. HE would make an amazing detective… he tracks down Victor Frankenstein all the way to the Arctic, for crying out loud. Alas, “The Creature” from the movie is cut from a very different cloth, er… flesh. I cannot see him being a good detective. All he can do is grunt and lunge. We need our standards to be higher.
19. Leatherface, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
Leatherface’s inability to think for himself makes him a very good blunt instrument, but would render him a poor investigator, I should think.
18. Pennywise, It
As an otherworldly demon with seemingly unlimited power, Pennywise could be a great detective if she set her mind to it. But she’s far too self-directed.
17. Count Orlock, Nosferatu
While I would 1000% watch a movie where Nosferatu solves crimes, I can’t imagine what that would look like. What skills does he bring to the table? He’s good at climbing stairs and lurking in doorways… what else, Orlock? What leadership skills or cognitive abilities can you contribute?
16. Lawrence Talbot/the Wolf Man, The Wolf Man
He’s no idiot, but he’s too much of a liability. Lots of important investigation work must take place at night… he’d instantly become useless. Can you imagine a stakeout with this guy? More like a “silver bullet-out.” I crack myself up.
15. Candyman, Candyman, et al
I just feel like bees loudly announce his presence wherever he goes, and that’s not a helpful element to add to a crime scene?
14. Godzilla, Godzilla, et al
Subsequent film adaptations make Godzilla a good guy, but in the original, he’s a very bad monster! He demonstrates some strategic thinking, for sure, though. Like, you can see how in various sequels, he’d be able to mobilize his whole deal for the greater good.
12. Jason Voorhees, Friday the 13th
Jason isn’t really the real villain until Friday the 13th Part 2, but we’re rolling with it, since he’s the main villain of the franchise. Jason doesn’t really bring much to the table, except a good sense of chronology and an ability to know what day it is. Look, I’m not saying he’d be the best detective of all time, but he’s got something (a calendar).
11. Ghostface, Scream, et al
Ghostface’s penchant for asking questions to his victims (“what’s your favorite scary movie?”) bodes well for his ability to interrogate suspects… but the fact that Ghostface’s identity has to change from movie to movie means that there’s not a lot of procedural unity to his methodology. A detective needs to be more than a transferable figurehead!
10. Dracula, Dracula, et al
Look, there have been a million Dracula incarnations, and some would definitely be better detectives than others. But, for the purposes of this list, we’re going with the most indelible cultural image of “Dracula,” which is to say the OG Universal Monsters Dracula: our lord and savior Bela Lugosi. As much as I love him, I feel like he would not be a great detective, sadly. He’s not even very good at hiding the fact that he’s a vampire around a bunch of stodgy Englishfolk who don’t believe in vampires until Van Helsing shows up and labors to convince them. And he’d be useless giving a testimony in court, after the fact! I do not think that man could realistically swear on a bible.
9. Predator, Predator, et al
The alien race of trophy hunters known as the Yautja have lots of finely-honed tracking skills. You’ve got to imagine that they’d at least be excellent bounty hunters.
8. Annie Wilkes, Misery
She’s a nurse. She’s an avid reader. And she’s a serial killer who has managed to be acquitted of her crimes in a court of law and kill a bunch of people afterwards without anyone suspecting. We’re dealing with a very clever woman, here. Imagine what good she could do if she put her mind to it?
7. Pinhead, Hellraiser, et al
Pinhead is an interesting villain because he intrinsically cannot differentiate between the sensations of pain and pleasure, and he gets mad at those who try to solve a puzzle that he has clearly marked as his purview. So, like, he sounds like an average graduate student, and that kind of person is always a good detective.
6. The Creature, The Creature from the Black Lagoon
Think about it. This is a movie about a guy who is minding his own business in his Amazonian home when a bunch of scientists show up to study him without his permission or knowledge and then attack him on site and he has no choice but to defend himself and he does it well. These are the kinds of skills that would be good for a detective to have in his or her back pocket!
5. Griffin, The Invisible Man
Would Griffin be a good detective? Yes, he’s invisible. This would be very helpful, obviously.
4. Michael Myers, Halloween, et al
He is very, very good at walking around in broad daylight without anyone paying any mind, and this ease of surveillance is a great trait for a detective to have.
3. Freddy Krueger, A Nightmare on Elm Street, et al
Freddy’s ability to enter people’s dreams would be an unbelievable asset to crime-solving! I mean, he can explore the subconscious minds of suspects and determine their guilt! Would it be a major ICAP ? violation? Yes. Would it work? Yes.
2. Jigsaw, Saw, et al
Jigsaw’s elaborate murderous traps reflect a highly developed frontal lobe, the part of the brain that solves problems. Jigsaw probably could have found the zodiac killer.
1. Hannibal Lecter, The Silence of the Lambs, et al
Okay, this first-place slot is kind of cheating, because, in various iterations of Hannibal’s story, including Bryan Fuller’s Hannibal, he is a detective… or at least a detective sidekick. And it’s true that he has insider knowledge in addition to being able to understand people’s deep psychological situations. But he’s effective and this list is about effectiveness!
