Few, if any, authors can open a book with quite so much oomph as Carl Hiaasen. His first lines just have that special something that conjures up a whole seedy, ridiculous, Florida world and tells you exactly where you’re about to go, headfirst into a whacky, tacky, liquored up and lowdown terrain populated by hustlers, schemers, fishing boat captains, crooked hoteliers, and tourists, always tourists, there for the fleecing, the offing, and the occasional discovery of a corpse.
Maybe it’s Hiaasen’s background in journalism that gives him such a knack for the strong lede. Since the early 1980s, when he was at the Miami Herald for the city’s sleaziest heyday, Hiaasen has been putting out one incredible (and incredibly weird) crime novel after another, all of them quintessentially, riotously Floridian, and all of them with an opening that knocks you backwards and keeps you reading. Tourist Season, Double Whammy, Skin Tight, Native Tongue…These books and the many that followed went a long way toward establishing South Florida’s reputation as a contemporary crime fiction mecca. They also put Hiaasen on the literary map and solidified his reputation as a giant of madcap mystery.
To commemorate the author’s birthday (he was born in 1953 in Fort Lauderdale—home of Travis McGee, in a nice piece of Florida crime serendipity), we’ve decided to assemble our favorite Hiaasen openings. From loyal Shiners to South Beach EMTs, from sensible shoes to bloody hands, there’s a whole book’s worth of character, perspective, and style packed into a paragraph, tops. You know there’s plenty more to come, but it’s also fun to linger over these weird, seedy lines a while, savoring the anticipation of what’s to come. So put on your sandals, crack open a cold one, and enjoy some Hiaasen today.
10. Skin Tight (1989)
“On the third of January, a leaden, blustery day, two tourists from Covington, Tennessee, removed their sensible shoes to go strolling on the beach at Key Biscayne.”
9. Chomp (2012)
(Sure, it’s a kid’s book. So what? Still a great line.)
“Mickey Cray had been out of work ever since a dead iguana fell from a palm tree and hit him on the head.”
8. Tourist Season (1986)
“On the morning of December 1, a man named Theodore Bellamy went swimming in the Atlantic Ocean off South Florida. Bellamy was a poor swimmer, but he was a good real-estate man and a loyal Shriner.”
7. Lucky You (1997)
“On the afternoon of November 25, a woman named JoLayne Lucks drove to the Grab ‘N Go minimart in Grange, Florida, and purchase spearmint Certs, unwaxed dental floss, and one ticket for the state Lotto.”
6. Stormy Weather (1995)
“On August 23, the day before the hurricane struck, Max and Bonnie Lamb awoke early, made love twice, and rode the shuttle bus to Disney World. That evening they returned to the Peabody Hotel, showered separately, switched on the cable news and saw that the storm was heading directly for the southeastern tip of Florida. The TV weatherman warned it was the fiercest in many years.”
5. Native Tongue (1991)
“On July 16, in the aching torpid heat of the South Florida summer, Terry Whelper stood at the Avis counter at Miami International Airport and rented a bright red Chrysler LeBaron convertible. He had originally signed up for a Dodge Colt, a sensible low-mileage compact, but his wife had told him to go on, be sporty for once in your life.”
4. Bad Monkey (2013)
“On the hottest day of July, trolling in dead-calm waters near Key West, a tourist named James Mayberry reeled up a human arm. His wife flew to the bow of the boat and tossed her breakfast burritos.”
3. Star Island (2010)
“On the fifteenth of March, two hours before sunrise, an emergency medical technician named Jimmy Campo found a sweaty stranger huddled in the back of his ambulance. It was parked in a service alley behind the Stefano Hotel, where Jimmy Campo and his partner had been summoned to treat a twenty-two-year-old white female who had swallowed an unwise mix of vodka, Red Bull, hydrocodone, birdseed, and stool softener—in all respects a routine South Beach 9-1-1 call, until now.”
2. Skinny Dip (2004)
“At the stroke of eleven on a cool April night, a woman named Joey Perrone went overboard from the luxury deck of a cruise liner M.V. Sun Duchess. Plunging toward the dark Atlantic, Joey was too dumfounded to panic.”
1. Razor Girl (2016)
“On the first day of February, sunny but cold as a frog’s balls, a man named Lane Coolman stepped off a flight at Miami International, rented a mainstream Buick and headed south to meet a man in Key West. He nearly made it.”
